my confession

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of war and what impact it will have on my life. Selfish. Even more so when you hear what aspect of my life I am worried about. My financial health. Before you hate me, let me explain what aspect of my financial health.

See I have a problem with spending. I have absolutely no self-control when it comes to spending money on shoes and clothes. It’s your typical addiction. It feels wonderful while I do it, buy that new, fantastic skirt or whatnot, but then the guilt comes. (Un)Fortunately I can’t puke up skirts (not that that would help). Why can’t I control it though. It is totally and completely humiliating that someone so well travel and educated, notice I didn’t say smart, can get herself into such trouble. And why doesn’t my husband help me with this problem? He tries. But I have a very strong personality and it would probably not be a good idea to try and manhandle me about my spending. There must be a better way.

So back to the fear. I am afraid that if we go to war, besides all the normally associated negatives to war like death and dying, I will lose my job and either default on a payment (I really only have 2) or have to borrow from my mom. Both of those things would be too horrible. They expose a weakness I should not have. Other weaknesses I am willing to have. Not everyone can be brilliant in math or chemistry. I have my strong points. I don’t expect to be all powerful, but I expect to have power over my spending.

Now speaking logically, I should neither default nor have to ask for help. Even on unemployment, I can make my minimum payments and I will make those before I eat. I have no problem with working at McDonald’s to make ends meet until I can find another “real” job. But the sheer fact that I have such a good salary now, low overhead and nothing to show for it horrifies me. Why do I do this to myself? How do I change it?

To add insult to injury, I have been in this situation before. In college my dad bailed me out once. Right after college he bailed me out again (though I am not sure he realizes it because Margret helped me). We have paid off our debt several times since Patrick and I first married. But again, I have accumulated this debt. What is wrong with me?

I know all about the 12-step method. I attended Ala-teen and have read plenty of books. You have to admit you have no control over these things. You have to truly banish the addiction from your life completely. But what does that mean? Am I an adult if I have to give all the money to Patrick and ask for an allowance? Perhaps I am an adult for the sheer fact I admit the problem and take real actions to deal with it, but it doesn’t feel like it. Though trying to stop drinking is probably harder than stopping spending and continuing to drink can certainly do more damage, it seems easier to stop drinking than to stop spending. You simply never drink. You don’t order one. You don’t go in a bar. You don’t have to go into bars for any reason. How do I stop spending money entirely? That puts an awful lot of responsibility and chore on Patrick. Perhaps it is the only answer though. I think I will ask him.

Please don’t hate me. I care more about the truly devastating aspects of war more than this confession shows. Perhaps I am simply hiding my true fear of war behind this facade. It doesn’t feel like it. Think peaceful thoughts. Can’t hurt, might help.

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